Why Marriages Fail In our Society
Pakistan is a country in which marriage is considered a sacred union. Islam teaches us to work towards building an effective relationship between the husband and wife and the option of reconciliation in case the marriage is falling apart. Yet, the growing rate of divorce in Pakistan is an alarming issue. It really is the little things that will eventually make or break a relationship. Let’s have a look at the most common causes of Marriage failure in Pakistan.
Infidelity is one of the biggest marriage-killer in Pakistan. Marriages in which the partners are not sincere with each other or gets involved in some extramarital affairs and starts cheating on their spouse end up in divorces and separations. It’s the intensity of disloyalty and emotional agony, which often leads to split-up after infidelity. Such undesirable sentiments are difficult to bear due to which many people feel there is nothing left to do to re-establish trust in the cheating partner anymore and eventually marriage as well.
In simple words, abuse is about the misuse of power and control. It happens in many different forms like threats, verbal put-downs, and yelling and physical hurt. It also occurs in subtle ways such as withholding money or stonewalling.
What’s challenging about abuse is that it may just occur behind locked doors. Moreover, when someone reports of an abusive partner, nobody believes him or her especially if the abuser is a charming and successful figure in the society.
Abuse in a marriage is one of the biggest reasons for marriages failures in Pakistan. It may be emotional, physical, verbal, and/or economic. Most often the offender is very shrewd so that nobody gets a hunch whatever abuse he or she commits to their respective mates.
Physical abuse: It is most commonly known as domestic violence. It implicates the infliction of physical pain in a variety of ways like grabbing, pushing, burning, hitting, etc.
Emotional Abuse: Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is usually quite subtle. This abuse happens when a spouse has you constantly feeling manipulated as if you are walking on eggshells. It usually affects the self-esteem of the one being abused to the extent that he/she starts doubting him/herself. We must keep this in mind that we can heal the broken bones but we cannot heal the broken souls.
Instances may be a partner who is excessively controlling or envious and usually makes fun of his/her spouse in public, gives the silent treatment, withdraws affection or guilt trips among other actions. It is also one of the leading causes of marital failures in Pakistan.
Economic abuse: It usually occurs in the form of financial infidelity. It encompasses a spouse who exceptionally controls and withholds the finances of the co-dependent spouse. We still live in a male-dominated society. Mostly, men are breadwinners and women are homemakers in our society. It becomes really agonizing when the abusive partner controls and withholds the finances, leaving the other one feeling powerless. As a result, it damages the self- esteem of the controlled spouse. It has also become one of the important reasons of marriage’s failure in Pakistan.
Addiction is a condition that results when a person uses things like heroin, cocaine or alcohol as a compulsion. When he gets addicted to a substance, he becomes habitual and gets physiological dependent on that substance. Usually, when an addicted individual runs out of that substance and is unable to appease his compulsion of using that, again and again, he starts causing enormous problems for both themselves and those around him. He gets frustrated and out of control. The addict’s spouse and their kids are on the receiving end in this scenario. The spouse of the addicted partner unintentionally starts playing the role of enabler by over-helping and preventing their partner from suffering the consequences of the addiction. When the enabler backs off, he abuses the spouse and kids, which eventually results in divorces in many cases in Pakistan.
Polygamy is one more cause of marriage failure in Pakistan. If the husband enters another marriage without the wife’s permission, most of the wives ask the husband for a divorce. Mostly ladies prefer not to share their husbands with any other woman. That is the reason why, when a man wishes to marry the second wife, usually she asks him to divorce the first wife before marriage.
On the other hand, if the husband has already seized permission from both his would-be co-wives; it becomes very difficult for him to manage both families equally. Therefore, things go rough and polygamy leads to marriage failure once again.
Avoidance of conflict
When two or more people live together, conflicts and disagreements are inevitable. So whenever we plan to get married we should talk to our would-be partners about the mechanisms of conflict resolution.
In Pakistan, one of the main problems, which is sufficient to ruin a marriage, is the incompatibility in resolving the conflicts or avoidance of the conflict. It is true that some people grow up in families where they ignore the matter and others believe in shouting or talking it out in a peaceful atmosphere as the way to solve a conflict. If a couple comes from two different sides of this and fails to plan-up the mechanism for their new family, it'll be difficult to resolve conflicts agreeably and create difficulties in communication. It also leads to numerous divorces in Pakistan.
There are times when one of the partners commit a mistake. If by chance, it is the guy who is at fault, due to the influence of patriarchal society, he has a big fat male ego, which does not let him accept his mistakes. He never apologizes, as it will make him less of a man. This big fat ego also leads to many marriage failures in Pakistan.
Lack of children
It is usually said that kids bind the spouses in a marriage; nevertheless, some marriages suffer because the couple can’t have kids. They are unable to understand the fact that kids are a gift in marriage and not a right.
Birth of the girl child
It is sad to see that even in the 21st century the birth of a female is considered a stigma. There are many husbands who leave their wives after they give birth to a baby girl. It does not end there! Many of them are made to leave by their mothers and other family members so that they can marry another lady to add the so-called Waaris of the family.
We brag about living in an exceedingly ‘progressive’ society, however, cannot learn to simply accept girls living in this world? Why on earth they do not recognize that without girls they would not even be alive?
Lack of investment
Spouses often spend most of their time into their careers or some other hobbies, while ignoring its effects on their marriage. It often results in the development of resentment within one or both the partners. In Pakistan, mostly we don't have the ability, which is required to tackle these resentments. Therefore, it often leads to the feeling of detachment and disengagement, which does not take very long to end up in separations of the spouses.
Unreasonable Expectations and Lack of Communication
Nowadays many people in Pakistan enter marriages with pre-set views about how they suppose their relationship should be. Usually, these beliefs come from the examples they observed in their previous relationships or from their own family of origin. When expectations are not met because nobody even knows about them, disappointment sets in. Usually, the person feeling disappointed and sad, communicate them through passive-aggressive behavior, which ends up in resentment.
Usually, women do not communicate their expectations and expect them to understand everything without being told. It also results in regrets and regrets held for long are not good for the marriage. It leads to various marriage failures in Pakistan.
Extended family issue
It is rightly said that in Pakistan, the marital ties not only bind you with your partner but also the in-laws. In-laws are nice if you are lucky enough. Otherwise, they do not leave any stone unturned to tease the new entry in the family.
When two individuals decide to get married, both of them takes a pledge that the significant other will be the most important person in their life. And therefore everyone expects their partners stand by them when the going gets tough. Therefore, the guy ends up being in a critical position to balance between the family and the partner.
Those who fail to establish boundaries for both the wives and the extended family consequently face marriage failures.
In simple words, dowry is described as goods, estate or money that a woman brings from her parents to her husband or his family in marriage. The logic behind dowry was to function as a form of security; both economic and social; for the wife against the prospective likelihood of ill treatment by her in-laws and the husband.
Conversely, it is extensively misunderstood in Pakistan and has been easily altered into a tool of materialism, avarice, and oppression. Now, it has become obligatory upon the family of the bride to give considerable dowry and if for any reason, they fail to do so, the overpowered larkay walas call off the marriage. This gets deeply ingrained in the minds of many people due to which they consider the birth of a daughter an added burden on their weakening shoulders. Therefore, people are usually happy over the birth o a son and sad over the birth of a daughter.
In order to abuse the bride and her family, divorce threats are given to that girl repeatedly. Additionally, when a bride brings lesser than the expected, she has to bear continuous torture from the in-laws. Events of humiliating treatment and blackmailing of the wife are predominant, which usually result in recognized psychiatric illnesses and at times suicides. In extreme cases when the husband an in-laws are extremely not satisfied with the dowry, they may even take extreme measures like killing the bride. The most brutal form of this type of dowry abuse is burning of the bride. It is the biggest form of marriage failure which is fairly common in rural areas although not absent among urbanites as well.
Presenting proof of giving dowry from prophetic practices is a wrong, misconstrued, and undeniably based on the misinterpretation of history and facts. In the early days of the advent of Islam, a wedding was a simple phenomenon, without any sort of splendidness or display. The Prophet (PBUH) only gave some gifts to his beloved daughter Hazrat Fatima (RA) when she got married to Hazrat Ali (RA). The gift comprised of a few simple things of the household. Neither there was any demand from the groom or his family nor was he giving it out of any pressure.
Financial constraints are also one of the major causes of divorces happening in Pakistan. Financial glitches, like extremely low income or unemployment, can hurt marriages badly. At times the spouses become habitual of spending financial resources beyond their means. They can fall because of being the victim of excessive spending or insufficient income. These factors usually become the basis of frustration, which leads to numerous disagreements between them.
In addition to that unemployment causes panic, depression, blame, anxiety, fear, and the worse of all, helplessness. Accusing the unemployed spouse of the matter will eventually collapse a marriage.
Moreover, Uneven financial position of both the spouses is also an addition to the problem. For instance, if one spouse, like the lady, earns more money than the other man, there are many men out there whose big fat ego gets hurt and out of fear and jealousy and anger, things begin with small arguments and eventually ends up in divorce.
In the end, we should keep this in mind that choosing to divorce is a quick decision, and such decisions mostly are not worth. Marriage is not a room that you go in and come out of it without any damages. So, think twice before you leap. It is for keeps, so try to keep up that way!